QOTD

"Half Price Books sure has a lot of books!"

Sleeping Beauties

So, this guy rides every day. He always has quite a bit of stuff with him. Every day, he takes off his coat and stuffs it in the over head compartment, gets out his ipad to watch videos on, along with his two cell phones (because he is that important), and puts his bag in the seat next to him. This all takes a reasonable amount of agility. The reaching, pulling, unzipping, etc. Each time someone asks to sit in the seat he has taken up with his bag, he places his hand on his shoulder, winces, and replies, "Ok, but it is going to take me awhile to move all of this stuff because I have a frozen shoulder." Really? Because you shimmied out of that coat and stuffed it in the over head no less than twenty minutes ago without any issues at all.

Another dip-shit table hog with no use for the table.

QOTD

"Your wife probably won't like Star Wars. I mean, she's a girl, and she only has sisters."

Vintage

Two guys talking, and Guy 1 asks Guy 2 about his lap top. "You got a camera on that thing man?" Guy 2: "Yeah." Guy 1: "Man you never know if that thing is on or off...you don't know who is watchin' you man!"

Vintage

Mr. Tea is playing his hard sided brief case like a drum REALLY loud. After two very hard and annoyed stares he finally toned it down.

Wow, is that your breath I smell?

Vintage

This lady went up to a guy who was sleeping and set 2 bags of Bugles and 2 bags of sunflower seeds on the table in front of him and just walked away. When he woke up he had a definite WTH? look on his face.

Vintage

This dude gets on with a hard sided suit case and two freebie canvas grocery bags. He removes his coat and scarf - not entirely odd, but the trip is at most, one hour. Then he removes his sweater - getting comfy are we? He settles into his seat, clad in a smart looking red and blue striped golf shirt. Out comes a water bottle, retrieved from the suit case which contains ONLY water bottles. From one shopping bag he pulls a news paper and some headphones - the other contains an old sock. Within the dingy tube are a seemingly important pair of nail clippers - and a baggie of grapes. Looks like he has everything he needs.

Oh my gosh. This guys takes his shoes off EVERY DAY and his feet reek. And I mean REEK. They smell like funky Frito toes mixed with day old sweat and the hot, damp smell your laundry gets when you forget it is in the washing machine.

Stop staring at me with your mouth hanging open.

I love this time of year on the train. Everyone is trying to squeeze in their remaining vacation days that their employers denied them for lame reasons earlier in the year, so there are hardly any riders. That means I can do homework without people interrupting me with the question of "What are you working on?"

Vintage

Guy with his face flat on the table in front of him, like a kid would press his face to a window, smashing his lips against the table and licking it.

So this guy got on this morning. I apologize for the blurry photo, but it was hard to snap a picture while standing on a bumpy, crowded, rush hour train. He didn't belong to anyone. The conductor said he just kept hopping on and off at different stops.

Vintage

Does anyone remember that Saturday Night Live sketch, Annoying Man? Well, he rides the train now. He used to talk on his phone incessantly at a deafening volume until one day last year when I shushed him. Now he does other things like kick the seats and scream yawn...you would think he is five years old.

Vintage

This guy just told this girl, "Dude...you look like Matlock." Not sure I would take that so well.

Vintage

I swear, heffer, there are 40 other seats on this thing that are empty. If you don't stop kicking me I will physically move you to one myself!

Sleeping Beauties

The guy sitting across from me missed a button on his shirt. Now I can't help but stare at his black, curly belly hair poking its way through the opening.

Vintage

Okay, Dude. That is three days in a row you have had wicked bad gas. A little Beano - PLEASE!

It's 38 degrees, and this old guy is sitting here in flip flops reading about quadratic equations.

Something I will never understand about Texans - winter comes every year, and it is just as cold as many of the northern states. Yes, it is a much shorter season here, but it still happens every year. Why is it that so many seem to be taken by surprise? Every winter I see people shivering their way down the street in nothing but their shirt sleeves or wrapped in a blanket - no coat. Today I saw the apparent new trend replacing the chill blocking, wind breaking scarf - the feather boa.

Vintage

Lady across the isle very carefully lines her seat with newspaper before sitting down.

The vending machine inside the train station says "please use exact change," but the fucking thing isn't accepting any coins.

Lady sitting across the aisle from me has a big, transparent dish of what I think is gumbo. It is the only gumbo I have ever smelled the stinks like arm pits and feet.

Sleeping Beauties

I just had to call my boss to let him know I would be late - due to a dead body blocking the tracks.

Okay you little fuck nut, I didn't ask your opinion of my desire to change careers. This kid, who stinks like moldy laundry by the way, took it upon himself to tell me that it's a good thing I plan to use my Masters degree to teach because, at my age, becoming a writer would be rather unrealistic.

So this kid sits down in the quad with me and opens his laptop. Through a brief conversation we determine we are both students working on final projects with a looming deadline. He then tells me he is repeating the class. He failed it once before because bed bugs got into the spine of his text book. For some reason that meant he could not finish the course. And since it was a corequiste for another course, he failed that one too. I don't know - if it was me, I'd throw out the buggy book and buy a new one. Now I understand how frustrated some of my professor friends get with stupid excuses from students. I asked him if instead of telling his prof that the dog ate his homework, he said the bugs ate it. He didn't seem amused.

I haven't figured out what this guy is doign yet, but every day (and yes I really mean EVERY day) he brings a stack or two of about 50 letters each with him. They are bundled together with rubber bands. He spends the ride opening them one at a time and then tearing the contents to shreds.

Vintage

I have absolutely seen it all now...guy just got off the train wearing a hospital gown...and he still had his IV port in. My guess is - he escaped...

Vintage

Really? You are going to talk THAT loudly about your STDs?

Sitting here, failing once again to connect to the shitty WiFi, when I feel something in my eye. I blink and blink - it's still there. I swipe at it - no luck. Finally I give in and dig a mirror out of my purse. There, on the lower edge of my eye lid is a dead bug. Gross!

Vintage

Got on in Hurst today and thought...what is that smell? It smells like nail polish...lady treating the train like her personal salon and giving herself a manicure complete with neon orange nail polish.

Vintage

A young man standing in the train station just singing his heart out. I was going tip him but it appears he was just using the space for its acoustics.

OK Sir, you have not stopped flapping your yap in the past 35 minutes. You have covered everything from working for the government, to your shoulder surgery, to washers, dryers and refrigerators. Please SHUT THE HELL UP!

Okay, Mr. Tea, you need to let me gather my things and walk down the aisle instead of trying to shove your way past me. You are entirely too large to squeeze by anyone on this train.

Vintage

The fog is so thick we just went through a stretch where it was like riding through the clouds. Very fairy tale.

Sleeping Beauties

Sleeping Beauties

So, whenever the train breaks down, it is funny to listen to people. They immediately start calling everyone they know just to tell them we are broken down. I mean, they are waking people up for this. Like that will solve our problem. And then...listen to the tragedy snowball. First we are stalled. Then, " they pulled us onto this double track so they can pull a train up next to us. We will have to walk across the tracks and get on that one!" Then, "they are sending another engine to hook up to us and pull us back to Fort Worth! " Where are you people getting this information? Sit your anxious asses down. They will get it fixed up in a...oh look, here we go.

Sitting on a highway over pass, in the rain,  with a broken engine and no word of what is going on.

I don't even want to know what this is.

Mr. Tea just dropped his travel mug. His girth is rendering it nearly impossible for him to retrieve it from under the table.

Dude just got on wearing a ball cap, jacket, T-shirt, and boxer briefs.. Um, sir, you do realize those aren't actually shorts, right?

Took the 6:09 in today - nearly a full hour earlier than my normal ride. Those people are so much more pleasant than the 6:50 gang.

I'll never understand why people wait until they get on PUBLIC transit to take care of certain bodily functions. One woman waits until she boards, then proceeds to tie up the handicapped restroom for a solid twenty minutes each morning. This guy here - he waits until he sits down to begin his fifteen minute nose blowing session.

Gripping morning reading.

Oh no! The snot-snorter sat next to me. I have to listen to this for the next hour? Gag!

Oh no! The snot-snorter sat next to me. I have to listen to this for an hour? Gag!

Oh my gosh...this kid took off his shoes and, let me tell you, it smells like he had not washed his feet in a month!

Vintage

And we are stopped - suspicious looking package at the next stop. They had to call the bomb squad.

Never wear perfume that smells like baby powder. It only brings to mind poopy diapers.

Thanks to the moron who leaned against the doors instead of sitting when there are tons of open seats. The door is jacked up now. It will not close properly which means we can't move.

Listening to a Millennial pontificate on relationships - because at 24, he apparently knows it all.

Vintage

Saw a guy who looked just like Uncle Jessie from the Dukes of Hazzard, with the denim over-alls and everything...AND a bedazzled baseball cap! Yes...bedazzled!

Vintage

I have a container of cupcakes, and this guy just asked me for one.

This dude is trolling the aisles, muttering to himself about the best choice of seat. They are all equally filthy, my friend, so just pick one.

Here we go again. Last Friday, this guy blew his nose all of the way from Fort Worth to North Richland Hills. We haven't even departed yet and he is already at it. I get to, once again, listen to him expel snot for twenty solid minutes,

There is a lady waiting on the platform. She is wearing a baby pink shirt, a gray skirt, one grey and pink gym shoe, and one turquoise and hot pink striped sock. We didn't stop in the exact place she wanted, so she started shrieking at the top of her lungs, "Stop god damn it! Stop!"

Vintage

Get your hands out of your pants, Fool!

Okay people, y'all just need to calm your asses down in the morning. Today, despite the empty seat right across the aisle from me, a man asked to sit on the interior seat of the quad a lady and I were sharing. No problem. It's public transit. You have a right to any seat you want. The thing is, he had to wait about 30 seconds, or so, for me to pack up my books and other stuff I had sitting on the unoccupied seat. I got them into my bag, stood up so he could squeeze in, and he barks "What? You got an attitude or something?" What the hell? I am so sick of people wanting to sit in the seat next to me, then getting mad because I was already sitting there and they think I should apparently move and vacate the entire area for them. Even the lady across from me thought he was out of line because she chimed in too. "She doesn't have an attitude, sir." I just told him, "Look, I don't know what all that is about, but I am just making room for you." He said, "All what?" I said, "You accusing me of having an attitude." he said "Oh darling we are done with all that. I'm just on my way to work." Really? So you can be an ass hole, and then we are done? No sir, I don't think so. AND given how badly you REEK of pot, I would think you would be more mellow this morning.

Sleeping Beauties

I wish I had a breath mint to offer you.

It's a gorgeous 80 degree fall day in Texas - and it's a Friday. Everyone else's boss must have let them off early because it's me and ten other people on the 5:20. Usually this thing is packed!

Vinatge

This is very sad. A pregnant, teenage girl wearing sweat pants so big they will barely stay up and no shoes - in her arms she holds a white plastic trash bag containing everything she owns. She is hurrying to catch a bus to a church in Tennessee because she has nothing left and nowhere else to go.

Seriously, Jack-ass? Now, I know on a daily basis I use a table. I take up less than 50% because I have a tiny laptop. This jerk with a full sized laptop is taking the entire table because he has his back pack on it, in stead of in the overhead, and his cup of tea. I figured when I sat down, he would at least move his damn tea. Nope. I finally just pulled out my laptop and said, "Is it possible for me to use at least part of the table?" He looked at me like it was a major inconvenience. All he's doing is watching a movie.

Vintage

If you are going to  keep the mullet, could you at least brush it?

Lady, if you are going to yell "Hold the elevator!" You had better run cuz if I don't get to the platform in time because of you, it will not be a pleasant morning for either of us.

I have decided that since people have no manners on public transit, I am doing away with some of mine. When there are 50 other empty seats and you choose to sit with me, while I am obviously reading a text and taking notes on my computer, and carry on a phone conversation, I will now just start reading about Psychoanalytic Theory out loud. What? Am I disturbing you? Making it hard for you to concentrate? SO SORRY!

Apparently functional WiFi was a one day thing.

Holy shit! The Wifi is working! First time in over a month!

You smell like sweaty arm pits. The fruity body spray is not helping.

Now The Muppet is upset because someone has taken "her spot" in the train station parking lot.

QOTD

"I could take an earlier train and get to work on time, but what would be the point of that?"

Ok, Joe, shouting two aisles to your coworker and continuing to carry on a conversation in this manner is pissing everyone off. The Sheriff on the phone seated with me has given up his call because he can no longer hear over your yap. I, myself, cannot concentrate in Freud and Lacan, so I have had to quit studying. How many others are you going to disturb?

Today it smells like urine and cheap perfume.

The new conductor reminds me of Waldo.

Stashed between the seats.

What is that noise? It's like a weird clicking and popping, over and over and over. Maybe someone is playing a game on their phone. It's pretty common for folks to assume that everyone else wants to listen to their entertainment. Wait - no - three rows away there is a man chewing gum. You must be giving that Bubblicious quite a work out sir, if I can hear you smacking away from here!

Shoving your way in front of an old lady with a cane simply because you are in a hurry is not cool, Sir.

If you want to sit next to me don't stand there, weight slumped over to one foot, hand on hip and elbow akimbo, glaring at me. Open up your damn mouth and speak, or shuffle you scrawny butt along to one of the other multitudes of empty seats.

We just passed a building with a sign nailed to the door that says, "STRESS DEPT." My first thought was, "I'm glad I don't work there." Then I sadly realized, there should be one of those signs on the door to my office.

Lady across the aisle from me is tweezing her upper lip.

Today it smells like pot roast.

Vintage

Put your shirt on. It's not that warm. That lady has a winter hat on. Of course it is not that cold either.

Vintage

Wow, really? You are going to sit down next to me and just kick off your shoes, eh?

Very professional looking woman in a blouse, jacket, and skirt exits the train. I look down and happen to notice, she is not wearing gym shoes as so many women do who have a bit of a walk to work after they reach their stop. She is not wearing flip-flops for comfort and carrying a pair of dress shoes to change into later. She is just simply not wearing any shoes at all.

Working on a new story when I feel the weight of a stranger's eyes. I look across the aisle, and a young man blushes furiously while trying to hide a sketch book. I asked him, "Are you sketching me?" He shakes his head no, blushes again, and shows me my profile. A much nicer one than I see in the mirror.

This woman has her phone cranked and is talking to her daughter on speaker phone. The child is whining about how she needs a new computer to play games on because this one is "So Slow!" Mom just caved and agreed to buy her a new one.

Seriously, TRE? Seriously? We are going on a month with no fucking WiFi. Get your shit together!

Packed to capacity. Standing room only. There is a tiny girl with a gigantic guitar trying to squeeze in. I hope she makes it.

Vintage

It's going to be a long ride - someone has a terrible case of gas.

Today it was standing room only. It was so crowded in fact, that I was stuck in the stairwell. A very tall gentleman was one step above me. This meant that I spent about 15 minutes of the ride with his ass only three inches from my face.

Listen to Pavarotti back there with his headphones on and music turned up so loud he has no idea he is serenading the entire car.

This piece of shit train made such a big to do when they got WiFi. Too bad it hasn't worked in over three weeks. Get your shit together, TRE!

Today we have, not just a finger nail, but a wad of discarded hair as well.

Vintage

What is that stuck to the bottom of my shoe? EWWWWWWWWW!  A used bandaid!!!!!

Look closely, more finger nails.

Conductor just came over the speaker asking for any medical personnel to come assist with an emergency on the platform. A woman was running to the train and missed the step up. It turned out to be The Muppet's friend. The Muppet is now freaking out while we wait on an ambulance. Better call my boss and let him know I will be late.

Ha ha ha. The Muppet is beside herself. About a week ago a "new rider" started sitting in "her" seat. She's been forced to sit elsewhere and is just befuddled.

Sleeping Beauties

A gift from the Nail Clipper

I'll never understand why people think this is an appropriate place to clip their fingernails.

This dude is using the over-head luggage rack to do pull-ups.

Sleeping Beauties

Ug. It is too early for your whistling, sir. Please put a cork in it.

Vintage

This guy sitting here is neighing like a horse. When he is not, he is violently shaking his head "no" and eating bag after tiny bay of Lay's sour cream and onion chips.

Some dude just saluted me.

No bougie bitch today. Good thing because I was not in the mood. Might have busted her in the eye.

I hope this is not urine.

In The Station Parking Lot

No one ever washes this car.

I swear I just saw Rick James.

This crazy bitch crams her ass into the quad with me then has the nerve to say, "Excuse me. Let me adjust myself so I won't be in your way since apparently you seem to think this seat is just for you." I just looked at her and said, "Gee, I sure hope your day gets better."

This guy's phone is blowing up. He keeps answering and saying, "I don't want to talk to you." - but he keeps answering it.

Vintage

This lady just filled her baby's bottle with Diet Coke.

Geoffrey Fieger drinks Rockstar.

Vintage

A very professional looking young man just got off the train with his phone in his right hand and a stack of six empty pint glasses in his left.

Grown-ass man sitting behind me periodically shouting out, "Choo choo!"

Damn it! This is the second time this week that the train has broken down. One brilliant lady asks another, "Has the 5:20 already come and gone?" The second genius replies, "Not unless it left five minutes early." Genius one says, "Well you know it tends to do that." What? No it doesn't. Other than when it breaks down, they don't just willy nilly make up the schedule. Fools!

Vintage

Now is not the time to apply your cologne. It smells like Macy's.

Vintage

Now is not the time to apply your cologne. It smells like Macy's.

Vintage

Now is not the time to apply your cologne. It smells like Macy's.

Oh my gosh. Trying to exit the train today was an exercise is acrobatic skill. I had to bob and weave, spin and leap, just to get around the massive crowd plugging up the passage because DART employees were handing out free highlighters. FREE HIGHLIGHTERS! Quick, grab as many as you can! Squirrel them away for the impending highlighter shortage!

Oh my God, shut up you sweaty drunkard. This man is sitting by himself in a quad. EVERYONE has turned their back to him, and he continues to shout out random quips to no one. "Boy, I can't wait until the Cowboys play again." "Just wait until y'all are retired, like me!"

QOTD

"This train system is a joke! Give the cars back to the twelve tribes of Israel. Give them back or we are taking them back!"

Ha ha ha! After lecturing the new rider on the seating arrangements of seasoned riders, someone else new beat The Muppet to her "regular" seat. She's sitting behind me today which means she can't yack incessantly to her friend.

Hell fire! The train is sitting just a few hundred yards down the track - broken down. Who knows how long we will have to stand here before they get it fixed and it rolls on in.

Vintage

If you want to sit, then sit. Don't stand in the aisle saying nothing yet staring at me expectantly, waiting for me to invite you to sit down.

The Muppet is educating a new rider on exactly where she can sit because the "regular riders" will be upset if their seat is taken. It's public transportation, Mahna Mahna, there are no assigned seats!

Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about bananas. This dude just shoved one in his face, then chucked the peel into the aisle.

Are you freaking kidding me? I get on at the initiation point of the train run between Fort Worth and Dallas. This means that when I board, there are very few others on the train. There are approximately 140 empty seats in the car. This lady comes up to the quad I am in. I have my laptop and books spread out on the table. She pauses, then starts squeezing her way in – never mind the other 140 empty seats (and two other empty quads WITH tables). I ask, “Oh, do you need me to move some of this stuff so you can use the table?” Her response? “No, I’m fine. I don’t need the table?” B*tch please! Go sit somewhere else then. I mean really?

Vintage

Teenage boy with his face smashed against the tabe top the way a young child might press their face to a window, and he is running his tongue all over the surface.

Sitting in the quad, working on my paper. A man insists on squeezing his way into the window seat. Once he gets settled, he proceeds to treat me to the morning ritual of him digging around in his crotch. Lucky me.

Hunched over my laptop concentrating on linguistics, when suddenly through the window I feel an intense heat. I glance out the window, and the woods immediately adjacent to the track are engulfed in a burning inferno.

Vintage

I get off the train last night and push the button for the elevator. A guy comes over to me and says, "Are you dating anyone?" I say, "I'm married". He says, "Aw man, you're married? Dang you're fine. I wish you weren't married, I'd sure like to get with you." What the heck am I supposed to say to that? I just laughed and got on the elevator.

Damn, the West End reeks like piss!

Vintage

This lady here has on hot pink culottes, red high tops, and tucked into the neck of her T-shirt, like a bib, is a dish towel with an owl printed on it.

Are you pregnant again, Lady? That is the third time in four years! You and your husband need a new hobby.

Vintage (QOTD)

"Country Crock, now that's some good butter. Of course, I like Land O Lakes too. That's real good. Butter is good for you, except for the cholesterol part."

That's two days in a row. What is it with these rude-ass people refusing to use headphones to listen to their crappy choice in music?

QOTD

"I don't know what no nectarines taste like. I want me a bowl with some tomatoes and cucumbers."

Rude-ass mofos. There are exactly two other people on this car. One is flapping her yap louder than everyone put together during a normal rush hour trip, and this other heffer has head phones but is choosing not to use them and treat us all to he crappy taste in music.

Vintage

What? Is this a Monday? Whoever is driving this thing needs to stop slamming on the breaks at every stop. My coffee just slid off the table and dumped all over me! Now I smell like the bottom of a fast food coffee pot!

The conductor just had to come on the loud speaker and announce that we are indeed required to wear shoes while riding the train. I wondered what that smell was.

Sitting with my lap top open, working on school work. A lady leans across the quad and asks me, "What is it that you are always working on?" I reply, "Currently I am compiling a presentation which is a linguistic exploration into the use of connotation by Sister Souljah in three of her novels." She blinks hard twice and says, "What?"

Vintage (QOTD)

"That building there's sumthin' 'portant. I don't know what, but it's 'portant."

          These fools be crazy with the heat. Our train was late getting in because we share a track with the Amtrack which was late leaving. All of us walk-up riders were waiting on the platform in direct 102 degree sunlight. Yes, that’s pretty darn hot. The scorching rays must have melted all manners because people were in such a hurry to beat the DART riders, whom had just pulled up on the light rail, onto the TRE that an old lady tried shoving me out of the way just to get on first. Nice, Gramma, nice.

Quote of the Day (QOTD)

“I wash my hands constantly, you know, I mean, not every time I go to the can or anything, but constantly.”

          I can always tell when the circus is in town. Selecting a seat becomes a challenge. Instead of just plunking down in the first available, I have to pass up the Cheeto-dust encrusted, snow cone soaked, or gum-tacky ones, and search for something that will not leave my hiney covered in day-glo orange powder or grape colored corn syrup.

Welcome!

          For years now, people have been asking me, “When are you going to write a blog?” They ask me this because I have been chronicling my commute between Fort Worth and Dallas through daily Facebook posts. Some of them are witty, some of them are sad, and some of them are just mere observations. Whatever the angle, I seem to have gained quite a following. So much so, in fact, that on a day I skip my ride and drive to work, I will get messages asking if I am ok because folks have logged on to see their circadian tidbit, and when it is not there, they become concerned. Or maybe that is my ego talking. Maybe they are just missing their slice of humor. Whatever their reason, I’m glad to know that even in this small way, I am helping some folks through their day. Providing them a little escape from their humdrum plod through the ordinary.

                So if you are here, and if you are reading this, I say, welcome. Sit back, relax, and join me –

                On the train.