Vintage

This guy sitting here is neighing like a horse. When he is not, he is violently shaking his head "no" and eating bag after tiny bay of Lay's sour cream and onion chips.

Some dude just saluted me.

No bougie bitch today. Good thing because I was not in the mood. Might have busted her in the eye.

I hope this is not urine.

In The Station Parking Lot

No one ever washes this car.

I swear I just saw Rick James.

This crazy bitch crams her ass into the quad with me then has the nerve to say, "Excuse me. Let me adjust myself so I won't be in your way since apparently you seem to think this seat is just for you." I just looked at her and said, "Gee, I sure hope your day gets better."

This guy's phone is blowing up. He keeps answering and saying, "I don't want to talk to you." - but he keeps answering it.

Vintage

This lady just filled her baby's bottle with Diet Coke.

Geoffrey Fieger drinks Rockstar.

Vintage

A very professional looking young man just got off the train with his phone in his right hand and a stack of six empty pint glasses in his left.

Grown-ass man sitting behind me periodically shouting out, "Choo choo!"

Damn it! This is the second time this week that the train has broken down. One brilliant lady asks another, "Has the 5:20 already come and gone?" The second genius replies, "Not unless it left five minutes early." Genius one says, "Well you know it tends to do that." What? No it doesn't. Other than when it breaks down, they don't just willy nilly make up the schedule. Fools!

Vintage

Now is not the time to apply your cologne. It smells like Macy's.

Vintage

Now is not the time to apply your cologne. It smells like Macy's.

Vintage

Now is not the time to apply your cologne. It smells like Macy's.

Oh my gosh. Trying to exit the train today was an exercise is acrobatic skill. I had to bob and weave, spin and leap, just to get around the massive crowd plugging up the passage because DART employees were handing out free highlighters. FREE HIGHLIGHTERS! Quick, grab as many as you can! Squirrel them away for the impending highlighter shortage!

Oh my God, shut up you sweaty drunkard. This man is sitting by himself in a quad. EVERYONE has turned their back to him, and he continues to shout out random quips to no one. "Boy, I can't wait until the Cowboys play again." "Just wait until y'all are retired, like me!"

QOTD

"This train system is a joke! Give the cars back to the twelve tribes of Israel. Give them back or we are taking them back!"

Ha ha ha! After lecturing the new rider on the seating arrangements of seasoned riders, someone else new beat The Muppet to her "regular" seat. She's sitting behind me today which means she can't yack incessantly to her friend.

Hell fire! The train is sitting just a few hundred yards down the track - broken down. Who knows how long we will have to stand here before they get it fixed and it rolls on in.

Vintage

If you want to sit, then sit. Don't stand in the aisle saying nothing yet staring at me expectantly, waiting for me to invite you to sit down.

The Muppet is educating a new rider on exactly where she can sit because the "regular riders" will be upset if their seat is taken. It's public transportation, Mahna Mahna, there are no assigned seats!

Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about bananas. This dude just shoved one in his face, then chucked the peel into the aisle.

Are you freaking kidding me? I get on at the initiation point of the train run between Fort Worth and Dallas. This means that when I board, there are very few others on the train. There are approximately 140 empty seats in the car. This lady comes up to the quad I am in. I have my laptop and books spread out on the table. She pauses, then starts squeezing her way in – never mind the other 140 empty seats (and two other empty quads WITH tables). I ask, “Oh, do you need me to move some of this stuff so you can use the table?” Her response? “No, I’m fine. I don’t need the table?” B*tch please! Go sit somewhere else then. I mean really?

Vintage

Teenage boy with his face smashed against the tabe top the way a young child might press their face to a window, and he is running his tongue all over the surface.

Sitting in the quad, working on my paper. A man insists on squeezing his way into the window seat. Once he gets settled, he proceeds to treat me to the morning ritual of him digging around in his crotch. Lucky me.

Hunched over my laptop concentrating on linguistics, when suddenly through the window I feel an intense heat. I glance out the window, and the woods immediately adjacent to the track are engulfed in a burning inferno.

Vintage

I get off the train last night and push the button for the elevator. A guy comes over to me and says, "Are you dating anyone?" I say, "I'm married". He says, "Aw man, you're married? Dang you're fine. I wish you weren't married, I'd sure like to get with you." What the heck am I supposed to say to that? I just laughed and got on the elevator.

Damn, the West End reeks like piss!

Vintage

This lady here has on hot pink culottes, red high tops, and tucked into the neck of her T-shirt, like a bib, is a dish towel with an owl printed on it.

Are you pregnant again, Lady? That is the third time in four years! You and your husband need a new hobby.

Vintage (QOTD)

"Country Crock, now that's some good butter. Of course, I like Land O Lakes too. That's real good. Butter is good for you, except for the cholesterol part."

That's two days in a row. What is it with these rude-ass people refusing to use headphones to listen to their crappy choice in music?

QOTD

"I don't know what no nectarines taste like. I want me a bowl with some tomatoes and cucumbers."

Rude-ass mofos. There are exactly two other people on this car. One is flapping her yap louder than everyone put together during a normal rush hour trip, and this other heffer has head phones but is choosing not to use them and treat us all to he crappy taste in music.

Vintage

What? Is this a Monday? Whoever is driving this thing needs to stop slamming on the breaks at every stop. My coffee just slid off the table and dumped all over me! Now I smell like the bottom of a fast food coffee pot!

The conductor just had to come on the loud speaker and announce that we are indeed required to wear shoes while riding the train. I wondered what that smell was.

Sitting with my lap top open, working on school work. A lady leans across the quad and asks me, "What is it that you are always working on?" I reply, "Currently I am compiling a presentation which is a linguistic exploration into the use of connotation by Sister Souljah in three of her novels." She blinks hard twice and says, "What?"

Vintage (QOTD)

"That building there's sumthin' 'portant. I don't know what, but it's 'portant."

          These fools be crazy with the heat. Our train was late getting in because we share a track with the Amtrack which was late leaving. All of us walk-up riders were waiting on the platform in direct 102 degree sunlight. Yes, that’s pretty darn hot. The scorching rays must have melted all manners because people were in such a hurry to beat the DART riders, whom had just pulled up on the light rail, onto the TRE that an old lady tried shoving me out of the way just to get on first. Nice, Gramma, nice.

Quote of the Day (QOTD)

“I wash my hands constantly, you know, I mean, not every time I go to the can or anything, but constantly.”

          I can always tell when the circus is in town. Selecting a seat becomes a challenge. Instead of just plunking down in the first available, I have to pass up the Cheeto-dust encrusted, snow cone soaked, or gum-tacky ones, and search for something that will not leave my hiney covered in day-glo orange powder or grape colored corn syrup.

Welcome!

          For years now, people have been asking me, “When are you going to write a blog?” They ask me this because I have been chronicling my commute between Fort Worth and Dallas through daily Facebook posts. Some of them are witty, some of them are sad, and some of them are just mere observations. Whatever the angle, I seem to have gained quite a following. So much so, in fact, that on a day I skip my ride and drive to work, I will get messages asking if I am ok because folks have logged on to see their circadian tidbit, and when it is not there, they become concerned. Or maybe that is my ego talking. Maybe they are just missing their slice of humor. Whatever their reason, I’m glad to know that even in this small way, I am helping some folks through their day. Providing them a little escape from their humdrum plod through the ordinary.

                So if you are here, and if you are reading this, I say, welcome. Sit back, relax, and join me –

                On the train.